Managing Social Anxiety in Family Gatherings and Events

The holiday season can be filled with family gatherings and festive events to celebrate with relatives near and far. But for many people, the thought of all those crowded tables and personal conversations doesn’t exactly bring good cheer.

“If you feel a pang of anxiety every time the holidays roll around – bracing yourself for another round of forced merriment – you’re not alone,” writes Nicole Kariuki in an article on the Introvert, Dear website titled How to Survive Big Family Gatherings as a Socially Anxious Introvert.

Nicole, like many people with social anxiety, toughed her way through family gatherings for years.

“Ever since I can remember, I have dreaded big family events, and as a teen, I had no choice but to sit awkwardly at the dinner table. My parents thought I was being a ‘brat’ and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be there. I mean, it’s only family, after all. However, introvert or not, family dynamics can be too much for anyone at times. And since most introverts hate small talk, these get-togethers can be even more tiring and painful for us ‘quiet ones.’”

Understanding more about social anxiety and learning practical strategies to manage these interactions may help you stay grounded and protect your peace this holiday season.

Fear of Judgement and Criticism from Family Members

The National Institute of Mental Health website describes social anxiety disorder as a fear of being judged, watched or perceived in a certain way. Family dynamics can add another intense layer onto this situation.

Strong feelings often bubble up during holiday encounters, according to an article in SELF magazine. “From stressful small talk to deep discussions, the conversations that go down at holiday soirees can feel particularly intense; not to mention they can act as a reminder that maybe you’re not exactly where you’d like to be at this stage in your life–or that you moved away from home for a reason.”

‘It’s normal to feel like a broken record when you’re sharing the things you decide to disclose to family or friends,’ Mandy Doria, M.S., a licensed professional counselor and assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus, tells SELF.”

The SELF article offers some guidance to help. For example, if you think family members may ask you uncomfortable personal questions, you might want to brainstorm ahead of time other topics you could discuss instead.

“For example, if you already suspect your nosy aunt will ask about your recent breakup, come ready to pivot to another topic or have some backup questions handy. After all, it’s not too hard to get people to talk about themselves, especially if you use a bit of flattery. Consider a response like: ‘Oh, I appreciate you asking but it’s not all that interesting. I want to hear more about how the renovation is going. Do you have progress pics of your lovely kitchen? I’m dying to see it!’

On the other hand, if your dad starts going on about how he wants you to move closer to home, you can try to put a positive spin on your response: ‘I guess that means you’ll need to visit me soon. Should we plan a weekend for [us]? I’d love to show you some of my favorite spots.’ If it helps, consider rehearsing how you’d like to tackle these conversations to alleviate the pressure of being put on the spot. ‘Remember these annoyances are temporary and remain confident in what you decide to talk about or not talk about,’ Doria says.”

The Role of Family Expectations in Social Anxiety

Research suggests that the anxiety some people feel may be tied to the expectations their families have for them. For example, one study noted that psychological symptoms can increase when parents put high expectations on their high-achieving child, such as when parents have certain ideas about how their child should perform academically, force extra work on their child in order to achieve success, or compare their child to other high-achieving students.

If you’re worried about having conversations about these topics with your family, it might be helpful to practice techniques that keep you grounded in the present, as described in the SELF article.

“Take everything one moment, one breath, one interaction at a time. If your stress and anxiety tend to build up right before a social event – and you find yourself pondering all those what ifs –
practice some grounding techniques (like deep breathing) to help you loosen up a bit and focus on the present moment.

You can also consider repeating an affirmation that makes you feel optimistic – something like ‘I am in charge of how I feel,’ or ‘I am choosing to celebrate’ – throughout the day when you need a reminder of why you went in the first place. Focus on the things you can control and the things that make you feel good ‘such as the outfit you wear, the music you listen to on the way over, or the people you decide to engage with more,’ Doria says.”

Setting Boundaries to Reduce Social Anxiety

Establishing healthy boundaries with family members is another strategy that may help you reduce conflict and feel more in control. Some people set boundaries around things like time spent with relatives, unsolicited advice and criticism, and finances, according to family therapists interviewed in a TIME magazine article.

“Once you’ve figured out what your boundaries are, you need to articulate them. Laurie Carmichael, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Marino, Calif., suggests following this basic conversation template: ‘If you say or do X again, I will need to do Y.’ For example, she notes, you might say to a parent: ‘If you comment about my clothes again, I’ll need to excuse myself from the dinner table.’ Or: ‘I feel disrespected when you address my partner with that nickname you’ve given him. If you continue to do so, we won’t be able to attend family dinners anymore.’

‘It’s very clearly naming what it is and saying what’s going to happen,’ she says. ‘That’s different from a request, because you’re not saying, ‘Stop talking about my weight.’’ Rather, you’re simply making clear what you will and will not tolerate. Unlike when you ask someone to do something – the outcome of which is out of your control – boundaries are enforceable.

Above all, Carmichael instructs, be brief and direct–this is not the time for vagueness. ‘There’s no need for fluff or apologizing,’ she says. ‘Just get to the point in a clear, kind way.’”

The therapists interviewed by TIME offer the following steps for setting boundaries with your relatives:

• “Spend time reflecting”
• “Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly”
• “If someone violates your boundaries, give them a chance to course correct”
• “Prioritize your own self-care”
• “Respect your family members’ boundaries”
• “Know that it’s an ongoing process”

It’s important to keep in mind ‘that it’s going to take time to teach others how we want to be treated,’ [one of the therapists] says. ‘At first, it’s kind of exhausting, but it does get easier over time.’ And as much as possible, be fluid: The boundaries you set today might need to change in a month or in a year or two. No matter how they evolve, their core function – protecting your well-being so you can have stronger, healthier relationships with your family members – remains the same.”

Protecting Your Mental Health Through the Holidays

If your social anxiety persists, talking to a professional therapist or taking medication may help. If your clinician prescribes medication, you may want to ask them about taking the GeneSight^® test to help inform their decision making.

Remember that you can take breaks at family events this holiday season when you need a moment to yourself. You may also try to focus on the positive when you can. In the Introvert, Dear article, Nicole writes:

“With that said, I do love my family. As fearful or awkward as it may be for me to see them – even when they annoy me – they are here to stay. However, I recognize that they won’t be around forever, so I try to make the most of my time with them, as limited as it may be. Even we introverts need people to lean on from time to time, and that’s what family is for.”